


ChaldeanChaos

by DraketheDragon



Series: Servant Shenanigans [8]
Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Bedivere Lilly and Diar toss around the brain cell like a hot potato, Chaos, Crack, Diar has glasses that negate his curse, Dumb idiots doing dumb things, Gen, Mindless chaos, Nightingale will always be a dangerous force in the background that should not be reckoned with, and he got tired of the increasingly ridiculous band aids guda was giving him, anyway, because Diar with glasses is good, best nurse, have some fun!, oh yeah
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:48:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29990016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DraketheDragon/pseuds/DraketheDragon
Summary: The Chaos Crew video tape some of their pranks. It goes about as well as expected.
Relationships: Chaos Crew Friendship goals, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Servant Shenanigans [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1854901
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	ChaldeanChaos

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! The long awaited replacement to Incorrect Quotes is up! Im warning you, I was testing a different type of writing (i was trying for the homemade video feel type) and I hope I made it work? We'll see how long I end up keeping it, lol. Anyway, I hope you enjoy and have a wonderful day!

“Good morning Chaldea!” Diarmuid stands in one of the many halls of Chaldea, dressed in a button up shirt and black pants. His glasses are on, they catch the light when he tilts his head. “Since Gudako told us to stop hogging the bounty of our exploits, Achilles, Cu, Mordred, Lily, Bedivere and I decided that we should share them with you.” He winks, a smile flashing across his face. “Currently Georgios is our cameraman, but that might change depending on how much trouble we get into. Say hi Georgios.”

“Hello.” Georgios’s deep voice is soft with a laugh.

Diarmuid’s smile brightens. He laces his fingers together and points them at the screen. “Today, Achilles has decided to take the fall. Achilles, if you will, explain what you are going to do.”

Achilles leaps into view, something hidden behind his back. His grin is wide, his eyes gleam brightly. “I think some of you have an idea of what is going to happen just from this.” He reveals what he’s hiding and displays it with pride. A hair dying kit with vibrant pink accents. “But you have no clue who it is going to happen to!” He leans forwards slightly and sings, “Who wants to see Jalter with pink hair~?” His cups his hand as if listening to something, then nods ecstatically. “That’s what I thought.”

Diarmuid adjusts his glasses. “Thanks to Cu’s efforts, we are absolutely positive that Jalter will be attempting to make up for the lack of sleep from last night.” He shakes his head mournfully. “I’m sorry that you were dragged into this Emiya, but Achilles wanted to do you first, so I think it’s only fair.” He claps his hands, eyes shining. “So, shall we begin?”

Achilles whoops and races down the hallway, hair dye box in his hand. 

Diarmuid laughs. “I thought as much.” He begins talking, hands moving as he speaks. “Since Achilles is the fastest of us, he will be doing the honors. Of course we aren’t going to let him take the fall alone. Cu and Mordred have stationed obstacles on the path Achilles will run after the deed is done. If they are not distractions enough, then Lily is bringing in the cavalry.” He laughs softly. “If things go well, we won’t need her.” He smiles at the camera. “Let’s hope they go well.”

For a while there is silence except for their footsteps. The view is kept steady, and eventually Diarmuid begins to hum. It is a cheerful tune, light and lilting. It fills the Chaldean hallways with its sound. Eventually, Diarmuid slows down. Down the hallway one of the doors is ajar. Achilles comes running out of it. His hands are empty.

“Diar! How the fuck am I supposed to dye her hair when she’s sleeping?” His eyes are wild.

Diarmuid sighs. “Achilles there are instructions on the box. Go read them.” Achilles sticks his tongue and runs back into the room. Diarmuid turns around. There is an exhausted look on his face. “You can stop the video Georgios. We’ll be here for a while.” 

“It has been thirty minutes since Achilles started dying Jalter’s hair.” Diarmuid leans against the opposite wall. His face is torn between amusement and worry. “We knew it would take a long time, but somehow I feel as if things will go wrong. Perhaps we should not have allowed Achilles to do this. His immortality is a bonus bu -” His face freezes. His amber eyes go very wide. “Shit.”

The view jostles slightly. “Is everything okay?” Georgios asks. 

Diarmuid stares at the camera, horror on his face. “I nicked Achilles’ heel yesterday.”

A pause. 

“Oh.”

Diarmuid spins around, moving towards the open doorway. “Achilles,” his voice is muffled, “Achilles, get out. We’re aborting the mission.”

Achilles’s head appears. A grin splits his face open. “Chill out! I’m almost done, I just have to finish letting her hair set, then I have to wash all the dye out, and then we’re in the clear!” His grin widens. “Dude, do you know how many manga’s she has in here? I swear some of these are hand drawn. They’re pretty good!”

Diarmuid stops. He is utterly still. For a moment he doesn’t seem to breathe. “You . . . went . . . through . . . her manga . . . collection.”

Achilles tilts his head. “Yeah?”

Slowly, Diarmuid steps back. “Achilles.” His voice is tired, full of disbelief. “We are abandoning the mission. You need to get out of there now.”

Achilles laughs. “What is she going to do, kill me? I’m immortal.”

There is a groan from inside the room. Something that someone waking from sleep might make. Achilles stills, smile frozen on his face. Diarmuid spins around, a blur of black and green. He disappears from view. The image jostles, blurs, and for a second Jalter can be seen as Achilles races away down the opposite end of the hallway. She wears an overly large shirt, spattered with pink dye. Her hair sticks up in odd directions, violently bright against the silver Chaldean walls and her pale skin. Her eyes blaze yellow.

For a while there is nothing but movement and the pounding of feet against metal. Breathing can be heard, labored and panicked. Finally, the vision stills. It focuses on Diarmuid's face. He adjusts his glasses, smooths back his hair and sighs. “Okay, so we’re going to head to the obstacles we’ve placed to keep Jalter from catching Achilles.” His face is serious. “Let’s hope they work.”

“Okay,” Diarmuid says. He is running, the camera is pointed at his feet and the Chaldean floor. “We’re almost here, but - SHIT!” He jerks to a stop, and the view jitters up just in time to see Lilly bolt down the hallway, her dress a flutter of white behind her. “Already?”

“Salter’s not answering me!” 

“She’s what?!”

“She’s not answering me!”

Diarmuid spins around to the camera, his eyes very wide. “Okay, so, this might not have gone like planned, but that’s okay. I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” He doesn’t look very confident. 

Distantly there is a sound of an explosion. And screaming. And cussing.

Diarmuid spins around and sprints down the hallway. The view dips again, and the hallway blurs. The tips of Georgios’s shoes can be seen as he runs. The view jerks up. Diarmuid stands there, arm outstretched to block Georgios’s progress. Achilles blazes past, a streak of bright light. Behind him trails a small form encased in red lightning. Mordred can just be heard underneath the crackle. “ _ FASTER _ _!_ MOVE  _ FASTER _ _!_ ”

Cu’s voice raises through the chaos. “JALTER YOU LOOK GOOD! I’M CERTAIN SALTER WILL APPRECIATE THE CHANGE IN APPEARANCE!” A streak of blue turns down the other intersection, and Jalter appears, fury written across her form.

“DAMN YOU ALL!” She roars. “I WILL  _ BURN  _ YOU ALL TO  _ ASH _ !” She spins around and her eyes land on Diarmuid. “ARE YOU  _ VIDEOTAPING  _ THIS YOU  _ ASSHOLES _ _?!_ ” She doesn’t wait for an answer, and instead barrels towards the camera.

Diarmuid swears softly and spins around, pushing frantically at Georgios. One hand covers the screen. Light leaks between his fingers. There is the sound of crackling flame, muffled slightly.

“Move!” 

“So.” Diarmuid says, staring at the camera with a tired expression on his face, “Today we learned never to dye Jalter’s hair.” He sighs and drops his face into his hands. The scene has changed. Diarmuid sits on a couch, elbows on knees, bent forwards slightly. Behind him, the wall is bare of decoration. “Unfortunately, we couldn’t catch the whole thing on camera. It’s thanks to Georgios’s luck skill that we have anything at all.” He sighs heavily again, and drops his hands, golden eyes focusing on the camera. “Because of the lack of video, I’ll summarize the damages. Achilles is in the infirmary, nothing much, but a few minor burns. He was unfortunate enough to run into Nightingale on his path to escape. Georgios and I are unharmed. Lilly had managed to convince Salter to check out the chaos, and she was enough to distract Jalter from her warpath.”

For a long moment he is silent. Finally, he speaks again. “Salter is in the infirmary as well. She was . . . startled enough to make a comment about Jalter’s new hairstyle. Jalter immediately switched her fury from us to her. Salter was not fast enough to dodge the flames, I think she was still distracted by her hair.” He laughs slightly. “But that is the total of this adventure. One Avenger with dyed hair, one immortal and one King in the infirmary, and one finished video for the Chaos Crew.” He smiles then, a bit strained, but amused nonetheless. “Thank you for watching, and I hope you enjoyed the first instalment of ChaldeanChaos.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hmmm, I should probably say for the update schedule . . . that this will be extremely erratic. So yeah! See you eventually!


End file.
